Hiding the Damage
by DerangedOptimist
Summary: It's the anniversary of TATM and River's having a hard time dealing with it. Will she let down her walls and let the Doctor in? Rated T because wibbly-wobbly-timey-wimey. Two-shot!
1. Chapter 1

River Song ran down the halls of the TARDIS, pursued by none other than the Doctor himself.

"River!"

She ignored him, tears stinging her eyes. She brushed them away absentmindedly with the back of her hand, quickly turning down a corner to throw him off. She kept running, her only intention; "hiding the damage."

"River! Come on, what did I do?!" The Doctor pulled out his Sonic screwdriver, locking it's familiar green pulse on her location. He didn't know what he'd done, only that she was obviously upset; and that she was determined to keep her emotions away from him.

But the TARDIS had other plans. Her Thief and her Child were in trouble, and she didn't like it. She let out a frustrated groan, seeing that River didn't want to be found by him. Instead, it was almost like she was trying to get herself lost in the long, endless halls. She wanted to help them both, but at the same time knew they wouldn't like _how _she would end up helping them. Still, she decided to give them a little nudge to see if she could get them to sort it out themselves.

River sprinted through the halls, her breath coming out in unsteady hiccups. She kept running, the TARDIS providing her the occasional shortcut. She didn't want to stop. Her whole life she'd known that the Doctor and she were at opposite ends. Their lives were out of sync and were going to stay that way; regardless of how much it hurt sometimes. She loved him, she truly did: but with their gyrating timelines it was almost impossible not to worry about the day when it all ended.

And then she'd be alone. Sure, she could keep running across the universe…but for how much longer? She was still a wanted fugitive across the galaxy, how long would it take for someone to notice her and rat her out? And she couldn't be alone again. Not again. Her whole life she'd felt that there was no one. No one to care for her, no one to look out for her, no one who would come to rescue her and take her away from her horrible life.

And then she met him. The Doctor. When she regenerated for her third and final time. The day she gave up everything. All her regenerations, all those lives; to a man she'd only just met. And so started their story: The Doctor and River Song. The Last of the Time Lords and the Child of the TARDIS. They both understood what it was like to be alone, and they vowed never to let each other feel that ever again. But, despite their best efforts they were still doomed. Doomed to be moving in opposite directions forever.

She turned down a corner, only to find a dead end where the hall once was. She stopped, gasping for breath through her tears.

A familiar, distant hum let her know that the TARDIS had something to do with her current location. She clenched her fists in a vain attempt to pull herself together, though she couldn't even take a breath without her chest being wracked with sobs.

"River!"

_Oh, bloody brilliant…just brilliant... _She thought to herself, taking a shaky breath and still desperately trying to "hide the damage" before turning around to face the confused Time Lord.

"H-Hello…" She trailed off, failing to deliver the rest of her signature line.

"Oh, River…" He turned off his Sonic, his dark brown eyes meeting her red, tear-stained blue-grey ones. He wanted to reach out to her, to take her in his arms and let her know that everything was going to be alright. But they both knew it wasn't. And the more he reached out, the more she pulled away. And they both knew the reason why: neither one of them could handle the day that their timelines ceased to cross.

"River..." He reached a hand out to her, but she turned away; placing her back towards him.

"D-Don't." She squeezed her eyes shut, hoping to death that he'd just leave, taking his damn twelve-year-old complexion with him.

"River, I'm not leaving."

She looked up at him, shocked and slightly offended that he would read her mind at a time like this.

"Sorry." He apologized, drawing back and leaning up against the wall beside her.

"You always leave your mind open when you're upset, I-I just-"

"-Well, f-forget it." She muttered, rubbing her eyes with the back of her free hand.

"D-Don't worry about me, I-I'm…"

"You aren't fine, and won't convince me otherwise that you are. Could you just tell me what I did?"

"Y-You…" She took a breath, trying to steady her breathing.

"…You didn't do anything."

The Doctor looked at her, brushing his long, brown bangs out of his eyes.

"Well then, what is it?"

She sighed heavily, regaining some of her composure as she brushed her own, frizzy blonde hair out of her eyes.

"…T-Today's the anniversary of my parent's death." She stated, her eyes drifting down to the floor.

"Oh, River…"

He took her hands, pulling her into a reluctant embrace. She stayed rigid, but slowly gave in; gradually relaxing into it.

"I-I didn't even think I would…I-I mean, I'd been…But today, y-you didn't even remember, a-and I-I-"

"-River, it's okay."

She pulled away, not because she didn't enjoy the care, but because she knew how much it would hurt when he no longer remembered.

"No, y-you're right…I-I'm fine."

"River…" He lowered his voice, knowing that this was just another one of her many ways to "hide the damage."

She shook her head, trying to make her act as convincing as possible.

"N-No, really. I-I'm fine now." She sniffed, straitening up and even flashing him one of her smiles; even though he could see the heartache concealed behind it.

"I-I actually think I'm going to head to my room." She said, rubbing her eyes and clearing her throat. She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek, before turning and walking down the hall. And the Doctor watched her leave, his hearts breaking into fourths.

* * *

><p>Later that night, the Doctor approached the dark, mahogany door to River's room. He could hear her sniffling through the wood of the doorframe, but he knew she wouldn't let her walls down for him. Maybe later, but not now.<p>

He pulled a letter out of his tweed jacket pocket, bending down and sliding it under the slot under the door; taking one last glance before walking back to his room.

River heard his footsteps outside her door, and she knew exactly what was in the envelope. But she couldn't bring herself to get up from her bed. She sat up, her comforter, cocooned around her shoulders as she stared at the ominous, TARDIS-Blue envelope now sitting on her floor. Unable to bring herself to get out of bed, she lay back down, hugging the blanket around herself. And the fact that the stationary only reminded her of the day she had to watch herself kill the man she loved _really _wasn't helping her current situation.

She was all out of tears, so she just lay there in awful silence; her head pounding from the lack of water in her system. She sniffed, staring at the wall across from her.

Alone. She couldn't be left on her own again. She was taken from her parents before she could even remember them, and then they were taken from her by the Weeping Angels before their time. God, there was _so much _she wished she could've told them…

Her shoulders were wracked with silent sobs as she pressed her face into her pillow, completely exhausting herself until she couldn't cry any longer; falling into a deep, dark, dreamless sleep.

* * *

><p>The Doctor opened the door to River Song's room, poking his head through the doorway. Seeing that she was indeed asleep, he walked into her room, clutching a small, slender, metallic object in his hand. He bent down next to her bedside, noting all the tear-stains that tracked down her cheeks. She was asleep, and yet she still held the same tight composure that she did when she was awake.<p>

He sighed, laying the metal device on her bedside before bending down and planting a kiss on her forehead, getting up and walking out the door.

River opened her eyes just enough to see him close the door behind him. She turned over, looking to see what he had left on her night table. A familiar, metallic sheen flashed back at her; and she sat up instantly. She grabbed the device off her desk, holding it in her hands.

A Sonic Screwdriver. _Her _Sonic Screwdriver. Sniffling, she rubbed her eyes; holding her Sonic out to the light switch, flipping it on and shutting the lights off with a flick of her wrist.

**R&R Please!**


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning, the Doctor walked into the kitchen; finding River sitting at the table with a cup of tea; staring off into space. He made himself a cup as well, before sitting down across from her.

"Hey."

She snapped out her reverie, turning to face him.

"Oh. Hello, Sweetie." She managed the delivery of her catchphrase this time, but she still lacked her usual energy and spunk.

"How are you doing?"

"Fine." She said, draining the last drops of tea from her cup and staring intently at the bottom of it, her mane of tight, golden curls framing her face perfectly.

The Doctor leaned over the table; River looking up and slowly meeting his gaze.

"You left your mind open again."

"Shit!" She muttered, closing her eyes and getting up; nearly dropping her cup in the process.

"Why do you have to do that?!"

"Do what?"

"Read my mind! You know, there _is _such a thing as personal boundaries!" She replied, her cold, blue-grey eyes glaring at him.

"Well, it's your choice!"

"_Excuse _me?"

"You're acting like you don't have a choice as to whether or not I see what's inside your head." The Doctor said simply, hoping to death that River wasn't armed. She didn't take too kindly to him correcting her, and she had shot him before.

"But it's completely _your _choice. You're choosing to leave your mind open, because you _want _me to read it." He said, fidgeting slightly.

River just stared at him for a second, processing what he had just said, before slamming her cup down on the table and storming out of the room.

The Doctor got up from his seat and followed her, not really wanting to chase her though the halls of the TARDIS again. At least this time, if she ran; he would have a better chance of keeping up with her.

That is, as long as the TARDIS didn't take _her_ side again.

But instead of bolting, she just walked over and sat down in the Console Chair. She rested her head in her hands, staring at the various levers and buttons, still trying desperately to close he mind. The great River Song; Trained Assassin, Mercenary, Archeologist, Thief, Time Agent…and yet despite her unrelenting stubbornness, she still couldn't control her subconscious. Her mind was an open book.

He smiled for a moment, her thoughts being projected so clearly into his. But soon his smile fell, once he saw why.

She was so desperately longing for someone, anyone to hold onto. Someone she _knew _wouldn't leave her. Despite what she said, she was just as troubled if not more so than he was about their timelines. She loved him with all her heart, and she _needed _him. Because they'd both lost so much, they fit together like two pieces of a puzzle. Without him, she might not have a chance of finding anyone else who could understand what she'd been through. And the thought of losing him, on top of losing her parents and her childhood, was just too much.

So she just didn't think about it. Unless she was reminded in some way of their impossible relationship, in which she would just have to force herself to forget again. But you never forget. No matter how hard you try, you'll remember someday. And that day when she remembered would be the most painful day of her life.

And that day was today.

The Doctor walked over to her, tentatively placing a hand on her shoulder.

She jumped, turning around and slapping him.

He winced, wishing that she dealt with her feelings in another way besides punching or shooting them. But unfortunately, that was _exactly _how River Song dealt with her feelings: through force. And he just had to get used to it.

"_Ow_…"

"Well, _that's _what you get for reading my mind!" She snapped, not quite sure how she felt about this whole thing. She knew that a part of her wanted the Doctor to help her, reassure her; to tell her it would all be okay. _Meaningless _promises that didn't mean anything. And then there was the other half of her, wanting to just shoot him in the foot and flash out of the TARDIS using her Vortex Manipulator.

…Actually, shooting him in the foot was looking like a viable option…

"River, you _wanted _me to see all that."

"I'm pretty sure that I didn't!"

"You practically threw your thoughts at me! It would be nearly impossible _not _to read them!"

"What, just because you're an almighty, all-powerful Time Lord?!" She asked, beginning to wish she had her laser blaster with her.

"Because I've got news for you, _Sweetie;_ I DON'T CARE!"

The Doctor just stood there, knowing that her thoughts were conflicting with her actions and that half the things she was saying she didn't believe. He also knew that he would, most likely, get badly hurt in the very near future unless he could find some way to reason with her. Which meant he was _definitely _going to get badly hurt in the near future.

River was currently pacing about the Control Room, desperately trying to hold her composure. She'd already lost it twice counting last night, she didn't need to lose it again. Also, she was pretty sure that she'd end up collapsing from dehydration if she had another crying spell like the one she'd had last night.

Taking a few deep breaths, she turned to face him.

"I'm sorry." She said, her lips pressed together in a tight line, almost as if she was trying to keep herself from blurting out more than she wanted to.

I-"I shouldn't have said that."

The Doctor sighed, shaking his head.

"You shouldn't be apologizing. It's my fault. I shouldn't have looked, I'm sorry."

River just stared at him. She wanted to retort, but she was afraid that if she opened her mouth, she wouldn't be able to stop herself from talking. So she just stayed silent. Bitterly, painfully silent. She held her mouth closed, eyes darting around the room; refusing to look him in the eyes.

"River?" He noticed her discomfort, missing her usual witty retorts. He knew what she was doing, he just didn't know how to help her.

"River, come on, talk to me." He said, almost pleading with her.

And she nearly slipped, looking into his eyes for a moment before looking back down at the floor.

She'd given him the silent treatment for days on end, why was it so hard for her to stay silent now? She knew she was in danger of falling apart, but she refused to acknowledge it. It was going to take the Doctor, and both of them knew that.

"River, please. I know you don't want to talk to me, but you need to talk to someone and I'm the only one here. So therefore, I am your only option in this case. I mean, we could always land on some planet and get off and you could talk to someone there, I suppose…Although they _do _usually tell you not to talk to strangers. Which is really very ironic, considering-"

"-Oh, would you just shut up?!" She finally broke, shaking her head.

"I-I swear, you could talk yourself to death if no one stopped you." She muttered, choking back a sob.

All it took was a look, and the Doctor walked over to her; wrapping his arms around her as she still tried to hold it together.

"D-Doctor, I-I…Why a-are you doing this? Y-You know just as well as I do that one day I'll wake up a-and y-you…" Her voice trailed off, before she finally gave in; resting her head on his shoulder but still protesting weakly through her tears.

"We're almost universally impossible."

The Doctor whispered something in her ear and smiled, holding her by the shoulders and meaning every word he said.

"I'm loving the almost."

_**Fin**_


End file.
